For most my life, I feel like I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions and hardships all bringing me to where I am today. I am a big believer that such trials and tribulations of life really do help shape you. For that, we should (strangely enough) celebrate the fights and pain we’ve had to endure. However, it’s not always easy to think about it like that.
I have had a lot of heartbreak in my life. Past relationships, betrayal, fake friendships, emotional baggage, family issues, postpartum struggles, loss, health stuff – but nothing has broken me yet. It’s come close at times, but it has not. Yet sometimes it all feels a little too much; a little too heavy. With surgery approaching, this week has not been a good week for me. Lots of negative thoughts, feeling as if I’m a burden, feeling left out, and honestly just feeling like I don’t really matter much.
That Annoying Internal Voice
Isn’t it awful how depression can make you feel? The only thing that has been helping me feel more like me has been my workouts and tomorrow that will be taken away. A big part of who I am as a runner and athlete will be put on hold and unfortunately, that makes me feel even more down on myself and dreading what’s ahead. You see, to fight each day against depression, I need that release and those workouts to help me fight like hell to not allow the mental illness to win. I’m afraid of what’s ahead now; recovery wise and how my mind is going to settle in. I’ve been toying with the idea of taking a break from social media for a little bit; while I heal and to also work out some stuff of my own. I want to use the time to be more present, try to mentally fight against those negative thoughts and emotions I have swirling around my head right now. It’s amazing how you can be feeling so good and one thing can trigger you to fall into a hole again. Often I feel like I may be at the point that I may be on the edge of a breakthrough and unfortunately fall short. I often think, “why can’t I just be better? Why can’t I think clearer? Why can’t I just let things go? Why can I just be more simple?”
I refuse to give up though. I’ve never been a quitter and honestly, even though at times it seems to get unbearable, you must keep fighting for those better days. Those better days are what make it all worth it. Embrace the pain and fight each day to not let the illness win. Plus, I’ve always been a fan of the underdog so never count me out of the fight. You fellow #mentalhealthwarriors get it. You know what I mean and how I feel I’m sure. We will forever be stronger for it… but it never takes all that pain and suffering and struggle away, that’s for sure.