You see, despair can be felt on different levels. . . .
It’s one thing to feel a vague despair, never really hoping or expecting much in the first place but to have known hope–fervent hope–then had that hope crushed before your eyes or pulled out from under you, now that is torture to the soul. It takes something away from you–a piece of you–that you will never get back!
This level of despair grows so deep that you can feel it in your bones. It becomes so intense and distinct that nothing in life will be the same ever again. This level of despair–true despair—is what I believed to be true for me. I also believe that it is incomprehensible to most people. When you feel true despair, you’ve reached it at its core. You feel despair in its highest degree!
When I reached despair to its highest degree, I lost the will to live. There was no reason for me to be alive. My world was completely over. There was no speck of hope left. I was gone and so was everything else. I reached a breaking point, a place of no return.
When I attempted suicide in November of 2016, I was 29 years old with nothing to live for. While I love my family dearly, I just couldn’t take or handle the despair that I was in anymore! It seemed like a never-ending nightmare. The darkness covered every ounce of my being! My mind and heart were utterly broken, shattered in a billion pieces.
But something happened . . . a miracle . . . I miraculously survived against all odds! I am living proof that miracles still happen.
There is life after a suicide attempt.
Don’t me wrong, it takes a lot of hard work. And yes, you have to put in the work and effort. But you can have an extraordinary life after a suicide attempt.
I am a recovering suicide attempt survivor. I see a psychiatrist and psychologist regularly. And, I take medications daily.
I am learning to live again, hope again, dream again, laugh again, and love again!
I now know to just take things one day at a time or even moment to moment. No need to figure everything out; just go with the rhythms of life and just move forward every day. Don’t let your past, setbacks, your mistakes, or other’s opinions define who you are.
Know that you are a beautifully woven human being that absolutely deserves to live in this world. You have a voice and a story.
You matter and your life matters!
Editor’s Note: If you are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 in English and Spanish. CALL 800-273-8255.