February 22, 2020 was the day of my mother-in-law’s retirement party. I bought a new dress. There were decorations, homemade authentic Laotian food, and alcohol. My relationship with alcohol was tumultuous. I started drinking at age 17. The first time I drank I probably should have died. I drank so much and was sick for days. I continued to drink, but managed to stay out of any real trouble.
No DUI’s, wrecks, or death.
I drank for years, up until the day of my mother-in-law’s retirement party. I tried to control my alcohol by limiting my drinks, creating rules around my drinking, giving it up for x numbers of days, all in an effort to prove I didn’t have a problem. The last night I drank, I had been sober for a month or so. I didn’t really tell anyone or have a plan. When I arrived to the party I was shocked to see the unlimited amount of alcohol on ice. I abstained for an hour. Then, I noticed everyone around me. They were laughing and celebrating with alcohol. I thought why not me? So, I opened a bottle of wine. I drank the whole bottle. Then another and another and the last thing I remember was drinking wine directly from the bottle.
I wish I could say I blacked out and it was over, but it was far from over.
I did black out, but I became suicidal. I cried and vomited, and I attempted to harm myself.
As I share this pivotal moment, I wonder who will read this? Am I over sharing?
One thing I have learned in my alcohol addiction recovery is to talk about it.
Remember where it all started. I never want to feel that pain again. I subjected my husband, sweet little girl, sister, and brother-in-law to my alcoholism, depression, anxiety and suicidal behavior.
I’ve forgiven myself.
Of course there is so much more to my story than this one night. Maybe that’s for my memoir. I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who has ever been suicidal, which was enhanced by over consumption of alcohol.
I hope my truth helps one person. I still fight depression and anxiety, but alcohol does not play a role in my life anymore.
Today, I am sober 519 days.
I take my Lexapro and use running as a coping mechanism to cope with my depression and anxiety.
You’re not alone. You have a place here. You belong here.
Just in case you needed those words. I do. Stay.