Be Strong Warriors, Run: Todd Arkyn Crush's Battle with Schizophrenia

Todd Arkyn Crush was diagnosed with schizophrenia at 25 years old, but his battle with mental health has been going on for much longer than that.

As an infant, he was abandoned at a church, only to be brought in by a verbally abusive and neglectful adoptive mother. Because of this, he struggled with a lot of self-doubt for much of his early life and into adulthood.

Following the onset of his schizophrenia, he lost a lot of his sense of normalcy. Todd had trouble navigating society, experienced a lot of turmoil in his relationships with his family, and attempted to take his own life. He retreated into the wilderness for five years, solely living off what the land gave him: game, fish, plants, etc.

Todd arrived in Arkansas in 2010, where he's lived since, experiencing extreme psychosis and unable to remember who he was or where he had come from. He met with a doctor, and that's where his journey with coping and healing really began.

House Bound to Boundless

Around 2016, Todd had become agoraphobic, which is a type of anxiety disorder that involves fearing and avoiding places or situations that may cause panic. His hallucinations made him too anxious to leave the house, and he weighed 297 pounds. He was in poor shape mentally and felt like he didn't have enough strength to fight back against his mental illness.

In 2018, still struggling with agoraphobia, he began to fight back against his schizophrenia. Todd began doing laps around his apartment, the beginning of his running journey.

Todd attributes his success in managing his mental illness to staying committed to his treatment plan and medications, staying active through running, and having the unwavering support of his wife. He became more vulnerable with the people in his life and with people online and began to feel changes in his mental health.

"On March 6, [2024] I had no symptoms. I had no anxiety or intrusive thoughts, and I haven't had hallucinations since."

From Beneath the Ice

Todd's first book, From Beneath the Ice, is a memoir of his life up until 2020. It's a journey through his childhood and into his adulthood, as he struggled with the different bouts of mental illness that he's faced throughout his life.

He described the process of writing this book as a year-long, self-inflicted therapy session. It helped him process a lot of traumas from his past and face memories that he'd suppressed. He relived a lot of horrible times while writing and had to continue to experience that as he and his wife went through the editing process.

Todd finds a lot of solace in music and found that when his story became too heavy to relive, turning to his bass guitar was his favorite way to find relief. He found that playing complicated music made it impossible to continue down the spiral he was on. Running became a similar coping mechanism for pulling him out of anxiety or thought spirals.

"I'd write for an hour, break for an hour to run, write for another hour, work on some new bass music."

Beating Fight or Flight

Hallucinations were Todd's biggest struggle for much of the worst of his battle with schizophrenia. Because of this, he struggled with anxiety, and it was difficult for him to be able to go out and run. Throughout his first year of running, he was still experiencing hallucinations and having intense anxiety about being away from home. "What if I have a panic attack and I'm three miles from anywhere, or I hallucinate an angry dog and run into traffic?"

Todd began running with what he calls "small acts of courage." At first, he ran around the block, so he wasn't far from his house. Then he ran further into his neighborhood, then a little outside of the neighborhood. He pushed further and further until he was comfortable enough to go out for longer distances.

"Those small acts every day created strength. Running was my way of proving I was strong, not just thinking I was."

In the process of writing his latest book, a scientific model for dealing with guilt from mental illness, he spoke with many doctors who helped him understand why running was so effective in helping him overcome his schizophrenia.

In very simplified terms, as we age, the pathways in our brain that allow us to learn "close" as we become more set in our ways. The one chemical that allows new pathways to be formed is adrenaline. Adrenaline is released as we run through fight or flight mode. Running when we're anxious or while we're in fight or flight mode trains our brain to realize that we're capable of overcoming those feelings.

As he's made progress with his mental health and running, he's made great strides in what he's capable of facing. In January, Todd ran his first 100-mile race and plans to run another this October.

Becoming an Advocate

Todd was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1997 but didn't tell anyone until 2010 for fear that he would be hospitalized or treated poorly. For 13 years, he struggled in silence, growing further from everyone in his life as they struggled to understand his behavior.

After he talked to a doctor in Arkansas, he was diagnosed as schizoaffective, a more manic than depressive state of schizophrenia. Through that experience, he realized that while diagnosis is important, it's more important to be honest about what's happening.

Over the years, Todd began working with caregivers of people with mental illnesses to help them understand how best to support the person they're caring for. A lot of the work that he does with them is to help them move away from their fixation on a diagnosis. Instead, Todd helps caregivers focus on the person and the persons interests, feelings, and emotions.

Todd works in advocacy not only on a personal level with caregivers, but also on an online platform. He can be found frequently posting in Still I Run's private Facebook group and across other mental health and running forward groups, as well as on his personal page.

He ends every post the same way, with a motto meant to represent the fight and the warrior spirit in each of us. "Be strong warriors, run."