”Breaking the Silence” or “Don’t tell my mom I wanna die”
Trigger Warning: This post discusses suicidal ideation in detail
Depression. My whole life whenever someone told me “I have depression. Don’t you understand?” I honestly answered “No.” I was lucky enough to never knew what it is.
Now, I know.
A bit more than a year ago I found myself in the place where I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore. I had great job, caring friends, loving family, I was young and full of energy with a lot of roads opened in front of me – sounds like a life you would wanna live. But it all was suddenly not enough. I lost very important part of my life and since that moment nothing else made sense anymore. Whatever I did, I couldn’t find joy, interest, happiness. Meaning.
I didn’t choose depression
Those who never experienced it will never understand one simple thing—it’s not your choice to be like this. I never chose to be in depression. People tell me they understand how I feel. But they don’t. Cause sometimes I don’t understand it by myself. I can’t explain why I end up siting in the middle of the prospect in tears, when everything seemed to be fine just a moment ago. I don’t understand why I’m suddenly running out of breath in the middle of the night.
Depression is painful
The only thing you feel is pain. A mix of feelings cause this pain. How do you explain that you would love to not waste your time, but you just don’t know what to do? A favorite city that shines with millions lights is suddenly just black and white. You favorite coffee with the mint syrup now is just tasteless liquid. Meeting friends and making plans seems pointless and unwanted. It’s not a cure anymore. Things that you used to look forward to just remind you that you’re not okay.
And to feel better you need to find something that will make you feel better. You need to look for it. To look for it you need strength. To get strength . . . how do you to find strength? You can lie in bed for a week and still be restless. A small thing such as choosing what to wear or answering a text takes so much energy. Just the thought of going to work in the morning gives you an anxiety.
Having depression means that you always have to think what’s real and what’s not. You have no idea what people may think, but your depression can spin a good fantasy. One word, one look, one movement can storm you with a hundred questions. Why did he do that? What did she mean by that? It’s exhausting.
Even talking about it is difficult
Simply talking about what you’re going through is hard. Being judged for not being able to change how you feel – that’s a whole new level. So at some point I ended up with “I don’t wanna talk about it” cause it takes too much strength. I try to explain how you feel and get “It’s your damn problem” back. Even worse than looking for understanding and support and not getting it, is when I get it, but it doesn’t give me the relief, comfort and peace I expected.
Dealing with person who have a depression is so damn hard. I can see how my friends’ eyes are full of tears from time to time, how they want to say something but can’t find right words. How desperately they try to help, but literally running out of ideas. Some of them are patient enough to keep going this road with me. Some got lost along the way. I don’t blame them. And I’m thankful to all of them cause I know that they tried. But sometimes it’s getting too hard to care about someone and not get anything back.
Now, I’m taking antidepressants.
And the fact that I don’t cry anymore make people think that I got better. But make no mistake. I smile every day, laugh every day, and make jokes every day. And I still wanna die every single day. Suicidal ideation is real. The pain is still here. I just feel like I can’t express it.
It’s about respect
If you have a friend who has depression, you may not understand how they feel. But you can respect their feelings. For those of you going through a depression, I hope you slowly get better day by day. Cause right now, I don’t. For those of you who feel good again, I’m proud of you. And those who didn’t had enough strength or support and lost their battle, I feel you. I’m with you.