Losing someone you love to death by suicide is never easy. Losing someone you love and struggling with the same mental illness as them – postpartum depression – is unbearable. So many questions constantly go through my mind: why her and not me? Why didn’t I speak up more? Why didn’t I share more of my struggles? Why did I hide it? Why didn’t I help her? Why couldn’t I save her? Is she at peace? Why didn’t she come to me for help?
The question I ask myself most – is she OK now?
On a recent trip with my husband to Antigua, before leaving, there was a certain sadness I was holding onto because it was five years ago that we had traveled to a Sandals resort and met Kristin and Mike. It was bittersweet to think of going on a similar trip without them. But on this very trip, on our second day there, I was given this absolutely amazing gift that I never knew would EVER be possible.
I have always been a believer in signs and in the past almost three years, signs from Kristin have always seemed to come at the most perfect times when I needed them (and her) most. This story is no exception…
On day two of our trip, we met three couples from Canada. I spent an hour or two with them before going up to our room to take a much-needed nap from day one festivities. I told Steve to stay and enjoy himself. About two hours later, I received a frantic phone call from Steve telling me I had to come down to the pool right away and that it had to do with Kristin. I assumed it had to do with someone knowing her or knowing of her story, so I didn’t rush. Once I got down there though, I knew why Steve had such a sense of urgency in his voice.
The Back Story
One of our new friends from Canada, Tracy, had gone to see a medium two weeks before their trip to Antigua; something she had never done before. She had told NO ONE, not even her husband, yet told her friend Leslee who was also vacationing at the resort. While Steve was hanging out at the pool, he got talking to Leslee about our prior trip to Grenada and eventually about meeting Kristin and her with postpartum depression story. Leslee asked Steve to see a picture of Kristin and when he showed her, she immediately walked over to her friend Tracy and told her she needed to talk to Steve. After Tracy came over to talk to Steve, that’s when Steve immediately called me.
When I got down to the pool, I had seen that Steve had been crying and all he kept saying was “you need to talk to Tracy” and how her story gave him chills. I now see why…
A Message For Me
Tracy began to tell me how she went and saw a medium two weeks prior to their trip to talk to some of her loved ones she had lost, including her husband’s best friend. Her appointment was supposed to be an hour-long but ended up being an hour and 45 minutes long due to the strong presence of a young female. The medium tried to have the young female leave the room, but her presence was too strong and refused to leave. The medium advised Tracy that this young woman was not her person, but Tracy decided to engage regardless. What she said next still brings me to tears. The medium advised Tracy, “this young, blonde female is not your person, but she has taken her life and needs you to deliver a message to her person.”
Cue ALL the tears.
Tracy then went on to tell me that this person, MY person, was urging Tracy to deliver this message to someone she would encounter that needed to know she was OK. Thanks to Tracy, Kristin was able to give me a gift that I never in a million years would have thought possible. I broke into instant tears and that is when Tracy took my arms and said, “She wants you to know she is OK; that she is happy. She wanted her person to know that she is OK.”
Connecting the Pieces
I have never believed in mediums nor felt the need to see one but this story and the way it was pulled together and the chances of it all blows my mind. Only one friend knew Tracy had gone to see a medium and thankfully Steve had chosen to discuss our dear friend Kristin, the young beautiful blonde that had taken her life, to that friend. I truly believe that Kristin found a way to reach out to me and every single day after that when I ran outside of our resort, a beautiful butterfly, the same butterfly each day, followed me on my path. If those aren’t angel signs, I don’t know what is.
Afterward, Tracy told me how she racked her mind for who that message could be for and couldn’t think of anyone. After hearing Steve’s story about Kristin, it all clicked into place and was meant to be. I know Tracy is thankful she was able to deliver the message to me and I will FOREVER be grateful for it.
Postpartum Depression Awareness
It may not be much, but to me, it’s everything. Never did I imagine I would be given such a gift, let alone on that vacation. For the first time in almost three years of losing Kristin, I felt at peace with it all, just at that moment. I know I will never feel that sort of calmness about losing her again, but I do know that my heart smiles every time I think of or tell this story because I know Kristin went to such great lengths to deliver that message to me. It also reminds me that Kristin feels the very same way about me that I do of her. She will forever be one of my most favorite people and I will continue to advocate and raise awareness for postpartum depression in her honor.
Thank you “in”. I love you and miss you always.